Holiday Gifts: More Aphorisms

As we enter this holiday season with too much on our minds, it is once again time for some shared wisdom. As always, we’ll try to mix the humorous with the profound. And because it’s the holidays, we’re leaning toward the humorous. I mean, you gotta smile sometime, right?

Should Be Obvious

James Thurber, author: “One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.”

Courtesy: Dotdash Meredith Food Studios

Masha Gessen, New Yorker columnist, quoting a Russian proverb: “If you invite a bear to dance, it’s not you who decides when the dance is over. It’s the bear.”

Ralph Hodgson, English poet: ”The handwriting on the wall may be a forgery.”

Big Bill Broonzy, musician: “All music is folk music. I ain’t never heard no horse sing a song.”

Big Bill Broonzy (Public Domain)

Plus ça change

Seventh U.S. Circuit Court (1991): “The man who wins the lottery once is envied; the man who wins it twice is investigated.”

Courtesy: Lienhartphoto

Lena Samoilenko, Ukraine: “The moment when it’s time to evacuate has not been determined with certainty. But it is known when it will be too late: when the city is being bombed from the air.”

Carl Cameron, former Fox TV political correspondent: “It’s like a stripper. You are going to get screwed but not F@$#’d.”

A Noble Beast

Will Rogers: “If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out of it?”

Napoleon Bonaparte: “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

George Burns: “It’s too bad the folks who could solve all our problems are too busy cutting hair and driving taxis.”

Taxis NYC (courtesy Dan McCoy)

Parable of Prayer: A ferocious storm sweeps through a town, and in the aftermath, a man clambers onto his roof to escape the floodwaters. As he sits there, someone in a canoe comes by and offers to carry him to safety. “No thanks,” the man replies. “God will save me.” The man paddles off, and the waters continue to rise. Shortly afterwards, someone in a boat pulls up to offer help. “No thank you,” the man says again. “God will deliver me.”

The waters rise higher. Finally, a Coast Guard helicopter appears; someone with a megaphone offers to drop a ladder. “No thank you,” the man says for a final time. “I prayed for God to save me.” The helicopter flies off, the waters engulf the roof, and the man drowns. When the man arrives in heaven, he asks in confusion, “What happened, God? Why didn’t you rescue me?” God replies, “I sent you a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?”

For all my fans, even those on the fence, I’m sending wishes for a happy holiday season. For everyone else? The same. Give love. Spread happiness. Share hope.

In memoriam, DWB (1952-2022)

Copyright Leland E. Hale (2022). All rights reserved.

Leland E. Hale

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Order my latest book, “What Happened In Craig,” HERE and HERE. True crime from Epicenter Press about Alaska’s Worst Unsolved Mass Murder.


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